Sunday, March 28, 2010

Letting it out.

We had the second last week-end in the yoga teacher training that I am doing right now and a very strange thing happened to me today...  If you have read previous blog posts you may know that I have been dealing with some back issues from a car accident about 6 months ago.  It has been an uphill battle and I have not been feeling like I have been getting better.  This morning when I woke up my back was killing me, so much that I went to the pharmacy and picked up some good drugs, which I have still not taken yet.  I wanted them to help me rest and sleep tonight so that I could have a better week.  Then during our teacher training we started our opening practice and I was not able to do hardly anything.  Ahimsa, don't harm your self so I huddled up on my mat in child's pose.  OK great, then I felt my eyes stinging, I tried to will it away but they just wouldn't stop.  I then felt the drip drip of tears and saw the evidence on my mat.  Oh no, what if someone sees me crying was all I could think.  I promptly grabbed some kleenex, blew my nose and pretended I had a spec of dust under my contact.  Thought OK deep breaths now, that's all I need are deep breaths and it will all pass and no one will ever know.  Yeah right I had opened the flood gates and the tears got bigger and bigger and there were more.  Oh god what do I do know, I held steadfast in child's pose and tried to breath deeper hopefully when the practice is over it will all stop.  I took another tylenol, rubbed some arnica on my back and carried on.  I managed to wipe enough of the tears away that I just had that "great practice" look that some people have.  Who was I kidding.

It was time for us to break up into pairs and work on our inversions.  There was no way in hell I was working with anyone or doing inversions today (the first time I had opted out in 6 months).  I mentioned to my teacher that I was going to the washroom and would observe another group when I returned.  There were a few of us needing to use the washroom (very common after a yoga practice).  Three of us started talking, one of my yoga friends started crying, someone asked if I was OK and the flood gates continued.  I wiped them away, went to the washroom and tried to pull it together.  Then our teacher came in an asked what was going on since she had missed us, not in a "hey you guys what the hell are you doing?" high school kind of way, but more out of general concern.  Of course my tears started again, I got some more tissues but felt the pressure, oh god people know I am crying, oh god get me out of here - classic fight or flight!  No where to run, simple explanation - I am in physical pain and I am frustrated.  OK carry on - Hari Om right!

Back in the room I just could not seem to stop crying.  By now it was time for a break, class mates asking if I am OK offering me hugs you know the stuff.  Here is where it gets tricky for me.  For those who know me I am the cry alone kind of person.  I try to run away and be alone with my emotions.  It was everything in me today not to pack up my stuff and go home!  But I decided to let my emotions sit with me and see where it all went.  I got some lunch, and rested a bit.

After lunch it was time for more practice.  I thought here is a learning opportunity.  I can either sit and feel sorry for myself or I can carry on and do what I can.  So that is what I did.  I stood up in mountain while everyone practiced wonderfully beautiful postures and I leaned against the wall when I needed support.  I laid in savasana while others did shoulder stands and you know what, I was OK with that.  I was listening to my body and helping myself heal the best way I could.  I was still doing yoga, it was not vigorous, it was not fancy it just was.  "Now is the time for yoga."  I was not attached I was not where I was yesterday, nor where I will be tomorrow but I was where I was today, in the present listening to my body and where my body was here and now.  I was OK with it.

I was grateful to be in a space full of caring individuals, my peers and my teachers.  I did not feel smothered nor did I feel judged.  I felt as if this is where I was supposed to be, I was present in the best way I could be and I felt accepting of that condition. 

In this today I realized a few things.  One is that I need to try something else, the massage and chiropractic care are not really working - I need to try something new.  As well it is more than the physical, when I got home my pain level diminished immensely,  if I was an 8 during the day I was a 3 or 4 when I got home.  Certainly something to explore there.  I am not sure of what it means but at least I know there is something I need to do.  I shall focus my meditations on it this week and with diligence the answer shall present itself.  I firmly believe we all know the answers, we just need to look inside.



  1. I love your blog, Jenni!
    Good luck with your back - I'm sending you happy, pain-free thoughts!