Thursday, November 25, 2010

Letting Go...

I am noticing a pattern with some of my blog posts as well as some of the philosophy of yoga that I love - non-attachment.  I guess it's because I am not very good at it.  I wish I could be but so far not so great.  Sure I can get rid of clothes that don't fit so well or shoes that I don't love.  But sentimental items that belonged to my grandmothers or were given to me by some long lost relative or friend I could do better.  Recently the big one that keeps coming up for me is old relationships.

I am of an age where I have had lots of different kinds of relationships in my life.  Friends, lovers, colleagues that kind of thing.  I don't let go of friends or ex's very well.  I am one of those people in a relationship who when she says "let's stay friends" I meant it and hold to it.  My boyfriend from high school/university and I still chat with each other every couple of months and I love that.  I was genuinely excited for him when he told me his and his girlfriend were having a baby and then a while later when they got engaged.  I still hold a spot in my heart for him and want to know and hear that he is happy and doing well.  I have another old boyfriend that I speak to every so many months and it is great.  We chat on the phone as if there hasn't been many years, children and relationships that have happened.  Again I am happy for him when he is happy and sad for him when he is sad.  Both of these men hold a certain place for me and I can't fully let it go.

I have had as any grown ups do friendships that have ended either because of circumstances or deliberately and I think about them often.  It bothers me that a relationship that has been nurtured, cared for, laughed over, cried with and been silly with would end.  These are the people that you can't call and say - "hey wanna grab a coffee".  These are the ones I can't let go of.  I have one in particular that ended almost 5 years ago.  We were great friends and lives an priorities changed and along with it our personalities and other things.  Within that a misunderstanding and very different perspectives on what happened.  I have tried so many things to let this person go.  I have meditated, I have cried, I have written letters never to be sent, I have imagined saying goodbye, I have sent them loving kindness (this actually worked for a couple of months).  Something happens, either a song or a photograph or a mutual acquaintance will ask how they are and boom - I feel like I am at square one. 

Stuff is easy to let go of.  I can give it away, throw it out or donate it.  Feelings, emotions and relationships - those are hard.


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