Old and New... attachment issues.

I recently received Toyota magazine in my mailbox.  First of all who ever knew that Toyota had it's own magazine, I didn't.  I was intrigued by an article about an old Toyota Celica that this woman had owned for many years and still loved.  This inspired me to write about  my own Toyota experience and of course how it relates to yoga!

My husband and I have two Toyota's.  The first is a 1997 Toyota Rav4 which I bought about a year before we met.  It is white, it is small still has a tape deck.  The clock works sometimes and sometimes not.  When you go over a bump you feel it, and the radio goes on or off depending...  The seat belt doesn't always re-tract but a good tug will make it happen.  I have been in two accidents with her, one that was my fault and one that wasn't.  Her steel construction is amazing and to quote the police officer after I was hit "they don't make 'em like that anymore:  She has been to Newfoundland, Nova Scotia, PEI and back as well as many road trips along the way.  Occasionally she won't start but if you talk to her really nicely and stroke the dash after a few minutes she goes.  She has never, ever let us down and is tried and true.  Truth be told even though she is almost 14 years old and this is old for a car, I love her to death.  You could say I am a little attached.  She holds many, many memories from me from my single days, to married with children days and lots of other memories in between.

We recently had to have the little girl repaired.  She has needed not much in her life.  We replaced the gas tank a few years ago and she has had regular oil changes.  New tires once and breaks once or twice.  This repair was big, she needed brakes, rotors, and a very expensive new clutch.  We struggled with what to do.  We were not ready to get another new car (I'll get to that soon) and repairs are still cheaper than buying something new, another used car would put us into the same boat.  So we bit the bullet and fixed her.  I still love the feel of her when I drive.  Her stick fits perfectly in my hand and the clutch still responds when I need it to.  She is still what I prefer to drive.

On the other hand we have a 2011 Toyota Sienna.  This is our family car.  It fits our three children plus friends.  Has a plug in for the Ipod and a CD player but I still use the radio.  The climate control is amazing and you do feel in control.  The seats stow and go for easy transportation of big shopping trips to the grocery store or Ikea.  It too has been to Newfoundland, PEI and Nova Scotia - not to much else yet.  You don't have to make sure the key is still in the lock to roll up the windows.  It has a remote to lock and unlock the doors.  Tons and tons of cup holders and storage.  You would think that with a new car I would love it, I hate to say it but I don't.

You may say that maybe I'm just not a mini-van person and maybe that's right.  I think there is more.  I like the unpredictability of the Rav4, I love that she's been around the block and I have to listen to her needs.  I think that my car is a reflection of me and with that a reflection of my practice.  Sometimes I just don't drive her as fast as I could because she is older and needs a rest, she has had injuries that affect how she handles.  I certainly wouldn't say that I am older and need a rest, but I do have some injuries that affect how I practice.  I practice ahimsa with my little girl, my Rav, and try not to push her to hard.  We don't take really long car trips (2 hours is about as far as I will go).  Her new clutch is kind of like a repaired injury.  We have repaired one spot but the engine is still old so I need to be careful.

My attachment issues are what gets me.  I never thought I would get attached to a car but I totally am.  Just the thought of her dying and having to trade her in or sell her makes my stomach churn.  I know realistically that we can't keep her forever and that eventually I will have to let Baker's take her away for parts or whatever it is that they do...  but I'm going to hold on as long as I possibly can.  I know that attachment is not the yogic way but I just can't help it.  Is it realistic to replace an entire engine when that finally goes....  maybe I can drive her forever...

Hari Om,
Jennifer

Learning Life's Lessons

Life's lessons are things we often don't pay much attention too.  For example if a person in our life consistently treats us a certain way that we don't like, yet we continue to allow it to happen.  Or if we know that a certain food or drink always makes us feel sick but we still consume them regardless.  Some of us have certain behavior patterns that are either habitual or social that we again know are bad for us but yet we continue to exercise these behaviors.

There are so many teachings around us that can help us learn from others.  The Buddhist teachings, many yogic teachings and biblical teachings and even children's story books.  They will teach us to be kind to ourselves, kind to each other, don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't eat too much, don't take too much and be happy with what you have.  All of these valuable teachings that some of us either ignore or forget.

If we ignore the teachings that have been instilled upon us as children then how can we pay attention to the teachings from our own life's experience.  It is so important to stay present and connected to our experiences.  Reflect either through mediation or physical practice on these experiences and note - was that experience positive or negative?  If I do that same thing again will it always have the same negative or positive outcome.  I know for example that when I meditate regularly I sleep better, I am calmer and can more easily make decisions and have less drama in my life.  When I don't I eat poorly, sleep poorly and feel more stress.

These learned results are packed in so many of our experiences.  If we just took the time to stop, listen and feel we could become more connected with ourselves, with others and with our experiences.  We may learn more about ourselves and others around us.  We could even lead ourselves and others towards more happy experiences.  Especially if we learned from negative experiences and let that behaviour go.

Namaste,
Jennifer

Circle of Life

When I teach savasana or copse pose in class I always remind practitioners to follow with fetal position and that getting up is re-birth.  Our yoga practice in itself can be representative of the circle of life.

I have blogged about my grandmother before so you may know that she has Alzheimer's.  Well she is also 87 and has been having strokes over the last month or so.  Additionally we suspect that she has also had a heart attack.  Since she does have advanced Alzheimer's and is not in great health there is a do not recessitate order should she be close to death.  When that point comes it will be more about keeping her comfortable and less about keeping her alive.

I am watching my grandmother become almost as dependent as my own children where when they were babies.  If my grandfather could see her now it would break his heart.  She was a woman who was married to a military man and that means that she was also married to the military and the way of life.  She raised her children on various army bases across the country, while her husband was either fighting a war in Korea or on military training missions God knows where.  She raised her five children in strange cities, practically a single parent. 

When my mother became pregnant with me at the age of 17 my grandmother and grandfather stepped up.  They allowed my mother and me to live with them and my grandmother became my caregiver.  In essence my second mother.  As a child I had two mothers and referred to both of them as mommy.  How lucky was I to have two women to live with and care for me and support me.  This relationship continued my entire life. 

Now as the eldest of my two mother's slips away first with Alzheimer's and now with her strokes I am not sure what to think.  I am very much at peace with the fact that she is going to die soon.  I have told her over and over how much I love her.  Even now when she is not entirely sure who I am, I still tell her I love her.  Now it is my turn to care for her and keep her comfortable.  I visit as much as I can and I bring my children to see their grand-nan.  She lights up for them sometimes and other times she just sits and stares, I am sure wondering who these children are?

When we look at ahimsa or non-harming, it is right to allow someone to suffer in order to die naturally?  However ending a life would not be practicing asteya or non-stealing as it is not for humans to decide when someone should go.  We all have something to fulfill on this earth.  I am not sure how to practice non-attachment with someone you love so much.  I am ready to let her go, but does this mean I am not attached?  How do we practice saucha - my thoughts about death and dying are not pure.  I like to believe that we all have our time but is it right to allow people to suffer in order to die naturally?  I look at just some of the yamas and niyamas and I am conflicted. 

I have peace in knowing that when she lies down for her final savasana she too will be at peace.  Perhaps this is the Samadhi or the union with bliss that we all look for.  Can we find this in the life we live or is it only during our final relaxation that this occurs?  I am sure that in these questions I ask nothing new. 

I wish, that as a teacher I could guide my grandmother as I guide so many students.  To tell her that she can lie down and relax, close her eyes.  Tell her that she is safe and that everything is going to be all right.  Tell her that she can accept what ever is coming and remind her to let go... her Samadhi is waiting...

Om

Ahhh paint drying

I have recently been on a painting binge.  Last week I decided to paint my dinning room.  I borrow some samples from a friend to paint on the wall.  She has great taste and I liked the samples she had painted on her wall, so I thought... why re-create the wheel.  Alas no, her colour choices were not right for my space.  Off to Home Depot I went, chocolate brown was the quest.  The choices for chocolate brown at Home Depot are endless.  You could spend hours in a chocolate brown frenzy.  I did not have that kind of time, that and I had two children with me.  I purchase three samples at almost $4 each and home I went, samples and brush in hand.

Brown number one was too red it reminded me of PEI sand or the colour of a rusty bike.  The second choice was much to pale, more like a chai latte from Bridgehead.  The third with the name of ganashe was the perfect chocolate brown for my dinning room. 

I used to be a horrible painter so I bought really great tape and vowed to be careful.  Cover the floors, use a ladder and not so thick with the paint.  On the chocolate brown went, it was beautiful.  I felt like I was creating art.  My roller went left to right and up and down and I loved it.  My edges were flawless, my strokes flowed in that moment a great painter was born.  OK back to reality I was just painting my dinning room but the results where better than expected.  I had it done in less than 24 hours.  I replaced my furniture and hung my curtains and pictures.  The room looks awesome and I love it.

Of course the beautiful dinning room was christened that day.  We had some friends over and we drank martini's (really bad ones made by me), some beer and pizza.  We hung out in our dinning room and never left.  When a room is that cozy you hang out in it!

Two days later I found my self at home depot again.  Now my hallway and adjoining family room must be painted.  I've hated the dreadful mint green since we first came to look at the house.  I again bought three samples and used the samples I had.  Alas none of these would be what I chose.  I had lots of chip samples which I started comparing and fussing over.  I finally made friends with and peace with potter's clay.  Again I was up for the marathon painting expedition.  I was again amazing in finishing this room and a half in less than 24 hours.  Did I mention I went to work in between...  The thing with this room is that potter's clay is as boring as clay sounds.  It looks dull and gray.  I am 90% of the time, the person to find the positive but this one is giving me some grief.  It has improved in that I got rid of the horrid mint green, and it looks clean.  It is not a disgusting colour that makes you point and laugh.  Instead it looks drab and I hate it!!!

So now I wonder what would a yogi do?  I have thought positively on the paint, I have been non-attached to the previous colour and was happy to let it go, I am certainly not attached to the new colour.  Maybe I should have practiced more aparigraha and not been grasping for everything all at once.  I could have been happy with the beautiful dinning room that I love.  Been patient and waited for the colour that I loved.  Been present and become one with the mint green?

Or maybe I can just paint over it....

Hari Om
Jenni

Free from judgment.

I am taking a more present approach to life and I must say I like it.  I am learning to let go of fear and judgment and I think I like that even more!  I was at a guitar lesson a couple of weeks ago and I had a mini freak out.  I had been practicing every day in the privacy of my own living room.  I had not played in front of anyone yet and when my teacher and I sat down so I could play what I had been working on I froze.  I couldn't do it very well, or not as well as I had been.  I stuttered I stammered I fell over the notes and apologized saying "I haven't played in front of anyone before".  He said the most appropriate thing "I'm not here to judge you"!  With those simple words I was able to let go.  Smiling at fear and judgment and saying to myself right!  I'm not here to judge myself either.  I am here, in my lesson, in my life and in living my yoga, to learn.  After all if I were already an expert I wouldn't need to be here right! 

We often step on to the yoga mat and are trying to impress someone or do better than someone, sometimes that someone is ourselves.  Some people look at the cute girl or the hot guy or maybe our teacher and try to be perfect in a posture so it will impress them.  Or maybe thinking to ourselves, I could touch my head to my knees yesterday I should be able to do it today - watch me!  Our disappointment when the girl or the guy or our teacher doesn't notice.  As well the discouragement when today is different and we can barely reach our feet.  We do this on the mat and off.  Trying to impress someone or be better than them.  Judging others as better, equal or beneath.

I strive to let go of the judgment, be that on the mat, in my guitar playing, my cooking, my children, or walking down the street.  I am practicing being the witness.  Witnessing my breath, my movement, my feelings.  I am learning more about who I am and why I do things a certain way just by witnessing and observing.  The fear I felt when having to play what I had learned, I witnessed and observed - I needed and wanted to be perfect for my teacher.  Reality is, he doesn't care.  I am sure it is better for him to listen to pleasant music, that isn't broken up, off tune, or just really bad.  However he is there because people want to learn and he's a good teacher.  I am sure if he wanted to hear good music he would go to a concert, turn on his iPod or play it himself. 

Reminding my students and reminding myself that our yoga practice and our daily life can be free of judgment.  So what if the girl beside you can touch her head to the floor or the guy next to you has perfect posture.  If we leave our judgments at the door when we pracitce on the mat we can bring that freedom into our lives and into our world.

Thank you teacher for the lesson!
Namaste,
Jenni

Back to school

Last week started a series of back to schools for my family.  My seven year old started grade two.  My five year old started a combination of kindergarten and home schooling.  I started taking guitar lessons again.

Grade two seems to be a bit of a mix of happy and sad for Liam.  He was so happy to see all his friends again and get back into a routine.  He has not been so happy about leaving home every morning to go there.  I think grade two must be a coming of age time for boys as well.  Liam is learning more and more about compromise with free play and his friends.  He is also learning the rewards of hard work both at school and at home.  He is starting to chose his friends more on commonalities, rather then just because our mom's are friends.  I am optimistic that this will be another good school year for Liam and that he will enjoy and absorb.  He is changing so much right before my eyes, I want to savor it all.

Reilly met his teacher and went to school one day this week.  He loved his one day but is still holding fast to only going "one, maybe two days a week".  This is fine with me.  We have established a home school program and system that is working really well for him.  He often goes on to do more than he has been asked to do and I am trying to give him the types of tasks that he enjoys.  I am learning more about my son than I ever had just by having him do simple learning at home with me.  We are spending time together.  Not always working together, as he is amazing independently, but we are side by side.  He is even teaching his little sister a few things.  I am proud of myself for holding my ground and putting his wishes first.  He knows himself what he needs and wants more than anyone.

Holly is noticing that her brothers are busy and doing different things.  She is wanting to go on the bus in the morning with Liam and asking to go to school.  I am going to start a more structured schedule for her and I during the day as well so that she doesn't miss her brothers so much.

As the boys have started their school work I am again taking guitar lessons.  My mother bought me a guitar when I turned 16 and I never really learned to play it.  I learned chords and scales and that was about it.  To my own disappointment I never took the opportunity to learn from an ex boyfriend who played all the time.  In the past few months I have been practicing chords and strumming but finally decided to take actual lessons.  I love it!  My teacher is amazing and I learned more from him in one lesson then I ever have.  In the afternoon I practice and whenever I get a free moment.  I practice as much as I can in front of the children as well.  Watching a parent learn something is important for kids I think.  I hope that they can see me learning something new and realize that you are never too old and that we are constantly learning and taking things in.

I am amazed at how much learning the guitar is similar to my yoga practice.  I need to listen to my body.  Take rests when needed.  Breathe, and stay in the moment.  If I make a mistake I need to be present, let it go and move on.  Not be attached to the mistake but look forward to what is next.  The biggest thing for me is the practice.  I have worked it into my evening routine of yoga, pranayam, meditation, some more gentle postures, and then I practice the guitar.  I am so enjoying this time in the evening and my sleep is even improving.

Reilly and Liam are both talking about taking music lessons as well which is great!  I had Reilly in the music store the other day picking up some new guitar picks and he was asking to buy a guitar or a set of drums.  Friends of ours have a piano and Liam has shown some amazing ability and interest in that.  Perhaps the three of us can start a band....

Enjoy the sweet sounds of music,
Namaste,
Jenni

Yoga and Meditation

Lately I have been doing a lot of reading about  meditation.  I have been to retreats and loved the group meditations and the quiet meditations I can experience on my own.  I am often up at 5 - 5:30 on a retreat while everyone sleeps so I can sit in silence, something I can't do at home with my three children.  Recently I attended a yoga and meditation class.  I do have a regular mediation practice, although not as regular as I would like.  It was so nice to sit and feel the meditative energy of other people.  If you are a regular meditator or have not done it before it is something I recommend.

Meditation is an integral part to a complete yoga practice.  Almost like breakfast being the most important meal of the day.  So many people come to yoga practice and they only do postures and forget the rest of it.  Yoga has so many limbs - 8 in fact.  Meditation being such an important piece of the pie.  For those who already "do it", they would recognize when they are sitting and when they are meditating.  If meditating you will lose your senses, forget what happened.  My favorite part of the meditation practice is when the bell rings and I realize that I was gone...  Fully aware but gone. 

One of my first real meditative experiences was when I was preparing for the birth of my second child.  I had planned a home birth and wanted the best thing I could do.  I already had a regular and strong yoga practice and in fact continued teaching until a few weeks before the birth.  I felt I needed and wanted a bit more.  I started practicing hypnobirthing.  I had read about it and until the practice took affect I did not realize that it was deep meditation.  When it was time for birth I practiced my mediation and did some postures.  The birth was amazing and almost pain free. 

When I sit now and meditate and it doesn't feel like it is working.  I remind myself to be present.  To listen to my breath.  To not worry too much about where my mind is wandering.  I don't try to ignore the itch that happens first on my shoulder, then my leg and then my back.  I know that my body does this every time and if I give it time the itches will go away and my mind will settle.  It will settle just as it did when I gave birth, just as it always does. 

Sometimes it doesn't work right away.  This is why they call it a practice.  I have learned to sit with it.  I have worked out so many problems this way.  I know if it really is a problem or just drama I have created just by sitting with it.  Sometimes the solution comes, sometimes I need to sit with it some more.

Sit with it and be present.

Hari Om,
Jenni