Another week-end of teacher training and I am feeling good but I realize everyday that the more I learn, the more there is to learn.
In my last post I wondered "will it ever be enough"? Is that me or is that my nature. Is it my purpose in life to learn as much as I can - maybe. I have many people in my life who don't necessarily support my many decisions to learn this and try that. Some think it is flighty, waste of time, waste of money. Maybe it is, but I am honestly trying to find what I love most in the world and I think that is experiences. I love to experience to try and to learn about myself in that experience. Learning may be as simple as do I like it or not? Does it make me feel uncomfortable - what is there to learn in that, why do I feel uncomfortable? Or is it sometimes just to enjoy the experience. These are the things I build up. I guess I could say I am building up my portfolio of life and adding all my little experiences into it one day at a time. I don't want to wake up one day 90 years old and think that I did nothing. That I sat by and let life happen when I could have made it happen.
Breaking down is always more difficult for me than building up. As I suppose it is for most people. To start our week-end of on Friday one of our teachers did this really great sequence where we focused our breath on one of our Chakra's. I of course was guided toward my head, third eye. He suggested heart or crown but I couldn't do it - I need to see and feel more. I need to listen more to my intuition and open up to the suggestions that I know are truth. He finished our sequence with some chanting and always one of my favorites, Om Nimah Shivya - I chant this one often at home, and it works.
After the session and much of the next day I could not stop my right arm from shaking. I spoke with one of my teachers briefly and told her - I am not nervous (I was presenting) but there is something going on with my nervous system. Her response - "keep up the work, something is happening". I know it but what is it and should I accept or ignore. It is hard to keep up with a practice when you don't always know the end result. I want to know what is the pattern I am breaking and how much work should it take to break down. When will it happen. This brings more yogic philosophy with aparigraha - non attachment. I should just let the process happen and accept the results rather than be attached to what the results may be.
I think I have some idea of what the breaking down may be but I don't necessarily like it or want it to happen. There is a part of me that is holding on to some of these old patterns and old thought processes. Some of these things make me who I am and if I let go of them, what will happen. Some of these may change me for good, some may change my family and my life. I have already noticed some of these things happening. My immediate family is receptive and go with it, most of them are under 7 and adaptable. It is my outside family and some friends that are having a more difficult time, and although this is good for me it shakes them up a bit - maybe that's good for them too. Change is good for everyone although we may not like it at the time.
So I continue to change and to chant - om nimah shivya - breaking down old patterns and creating new and wonderful ones. Join me!!
Om nimah shivya